*These cute cousins are all within 6 months of each other*
This pregnancy….my last pregnancy….I decided to own my morning sickness. I had no desire to be tough (something I’m incredibly bad at anyway) or to put on a brave face. When we got back from Hawaii and I could admit how incredibly crummy I felt, I parked myself on the couch and told myself it was perfectly fine to stay there for the next two months, give or take a couple of days.
I would make sure my family was fed – not necessarily well, clothed – matching was completely optional, and felt loved. Anything else I managed to accomplish was just a bonus.
I took Unisom to help with nausea which resulted in some embarrassingly long naps. I slept for almost 4 hours one day while my sweet kids miraculously took care of themselves. Justin would get home from work, and pick up the slack: cooking, cleaning, and running around with the kids. Max would follow me around with a bowl, and stroke my hair to try and help me feel better. I let this blog and my other writing take the back burner, I stopped getting up early to exercise, read and pray. I was growing a baby and that was about all I needed to do.
I expected to feel physically unwell, what took me by surprise was how emotionally unwell I felt. A sense of purposelessness and unease wrapped around me like a blanket. I cried in my designated spot on the couch – partly due to pregnancy hormones I’m sure – and often felt completely unable to get through the day. I even googled pre-partum depression to find out if it was a thing.
I felt sicker than my other pregnancies. But after looking back through my journals I’m not sure I was that much sicker. I think letting EVERYTHING go actually contributed to my misery. The days that I pushed through for a little bit and did SOMETHING were usually better.
There is an and to everything.
rest AND work
letting some things go AND making time for the things that make me me
These last three days I have started to feel like myself again. YAY!! It has been such a joy to cook breakfast, fold laundry, decorate, rearrange rooms, play, pray, and write. Not all at once of course. Long naps are still a must, but it feels good to pick things back up one by one.
This last we spent time in Montana with family. I forgot my razor at home. I could have easily gone to the store and gotten one, but I’m blonde and it wasn’t ever convenient. There were nieces and nephews to play with and siblings to talk to.
For this week I can just let it go.
We got home late last night. The first thing I did – after gently locking my children in their rooms (13 hours is a long time to spend together in a car) -was shower and shave. The normally dreaded chore felt amazing.
In our life we have to constantly evaluate. Cull our possessions, our commitments, reevaluate priorities; sometimes we have to let things go. Sometimes we let them go forever, and sometimes we get to pick them back up again, appreciating them more than we did before.