I was tired, zoned out on my phone, scrolling through instagram and facebook, and picturing all the things I would do someday when the “Mom!” yells of my three year old penetrated my brain. He pulled the phone down from my face.
“Do you want to play with me?”
I took in his grin and his sparkly eyes and couldn’t refuse, “How about sleeping monster,”
This suggestion was met by squeals of delight. I laid on the floor with my eyes closed, arms and legs outstretched while he ran in circles. I made attempts to snatch the feet and arms that swarmed around me.
At some point in the middle of the chaos and joy, I came out of my vague dissatisfaction with my role as a stay-at-home mom. The disjointed thoughts that had been swimming in the back of my mind finally settled.
There are many things I want to do in my life. Most of them are made more difficult by motherhood: Write books, travel the world, get a masters degree, read more, learn photography, take classes in everything from art to astronomy, be more involved in the community, volunteer, read the entire newspaper, go to lunch with friends, eat a meal in one sitting…
The realization that struck me with clarity in the middle of my half-hearted attempts at playing with my kids was this: WHO I want to be is more important than all of those things that I want to DO. Motherhood is meant to make me become that WHO if I will let it.
Later I closed my eyes and envisioned this ideal me…. not someone else’s ideal of me, but the me that I really wanted to be and could sometimes feel inside trying to burst out. Not the pleaser, not the me I think my husband, parents, or a friend wants, but the person I really have the potential of becoming:
courageous, compassionate, smart, patient, funny, a good listener, organized, responsible, balanced, peaceful, a good friend, patient, fun, observant, informed, hardworking, wise with my time, optimistic….
I will let my kids refine me, help me with each of these things, by the time they are gone, and I have tons of time (and am probably lonely) I will be ready to take on whatever goals I want.
Motherhood makes me courageous.Continue Reading