- Feelings. Kids have powerful feelings in little bodies. AJ has been very opinionated and independent and tantrumy lately. Basically, a two-year- old. My sister suggested giving him names for his feelings. So now AJ bows his head and slumps his shoulders at least ten times a day, says, “I’m sad”. And refuses to move…. But at least he can name it and at least he’s not screaming.
- Marriage and change. We are in many ways completely different people than we were when we got married. Sometimes, it frustrates me. Change stresses me out, especially when it’s not planned changed and when it’s not me that has changed. And then I remember, that I, the girl who asked for a hope chest for graduation (my parents wanted to give me a laptop), the one who dropped out of graduate school to have a baby, who wanted nothing more than to be a homemaker, is letting the house go, and doing whatever she can to outsource and streamline cooking, to chase the dream of becoming a published writer. I remember that my husband is going in to work 2 hours later than normal two days a week to help me chase that dream. Motherhood still brings me amazing joy and fulfillment, homemaking less so:) Change is uncomfortable and needed and just always there.
- Marriage and sameness. In many ways we are the exact same people we were when we got married. I still am extremely sensitive to violence, sex and language on TV. Several years ago, Justin convinced me to watch the TV version of The Patriot, I made it a half hour in before I was bawling uncontrollably and we turned it off. Justin’s more accepting of this quirk than he was when we got married. Last week when I apologized for not wanting to watch something he just said, “I love you, don’t worry about it.” We can’t ask each other to change or to stay the same. We just are.
- Sports: This is my favorite sports season. Basketball and soccer tournaments. I am still amazed at how much I love watching my kids play, and how much I care about the outcome. Sports have never been my thing. But watching my kids try so hard, learn so much, and be so brave, it’s awesome. I still have never yelled at a ref, but I’m no longer putting it out of the range of possibility.
- Love and Fear: I want to teach my kids to deal with fear in healthy ways. Lately I have been studying fear in the scriptures. It has many meanings there, being scared, awe….The scripture that keeps sticking in my mind is “Perfect love casteth out all fear.” Beautiful. I’ve often heard that we are either acting out of love, or out of fear. But then I stopped. Love of what? Perfect love for my kids only makes me more scared. I have more to lose. No, it has to be love of something else, something bigger, greater, expansive and inclusive of us all.
1.) Goals. I set lots of goals, and I achieve them in the time frame I allow myself approximately 1% of the time. I achieve them at all…. maybe 50% of the time. But, I decided the purpose of setting goals isn’t actually achieving them. The purpose is pointing myself in the right direction and being patiently persistent about orientating myself again and again…. and again.
2.) I had a mini-break down this week. I love my life. I love that I have the privilege of staying home with my kids. But this week it was hard. I don’t know if it was the cold, (I know I live in a desert, but it was unusually cold and gray this week – please don’t ever make me move to Alaska), the fact that the coldness has made it hard to get up and exercise, the fact that AJ learned to throw tantrums, or some other things that have been weighing on my mind, but I was a tad bit emotional. And I have to say… sometimes being a stay-at-home mom can feel both incredibly boring and totally overwhelming. – luckily the sun came out today and I’m in a much better mood. (above pic)
3.)Josh is going skiing for the first time today. I’m a little nervous he’s going to die, or get really really cold (obviously I’m a desert person). But he told me not to worry. He can ride down the hill by our house on two scooters at the same time so he’ll be fine:)
4.)I can absolutely never predict what my kids will like. With all the toys in our house AJ has been carrying around a wooden horse ornament and grabbed purple sparkly cowboy boots at the store and refused to take them off. Max wants to play chess everyday, which is awesome, but I wouldn’t have predicted it…I’m a little bit nervous for Christmas. Gift giving isn’t always my strongest point.
5.) I’ve been reading a lot of dystopian books lately. So far, my favorite take-away: “Survival is insufficient” – which is apparently from Star Trek? In the story, it’s painted on the side of a broken down truck a traveling symphony uses for storage in post-apocalyptic America. I love it.